I was not looking for the L-O-V-E after love #4. I was just too tired and done with all the free love education. I had great guys and screwed them over, I had a toxic guy; tried to keep him to a point of breaking my insanity. Then there was this missing piece in my heart from ages ago in my youth that had been trapped in my heart. I was over it. So I dated. I made sure if guy liked me there was no way I could see myself loving the guy. It incurred some dumb decisions and even dumber reactions. Your girl was just jacked up in the love department. So how did love #5 even happen?
Life is so funny. So you remember that void in the heart you have read sprinkled through out this blog; well that void got married and had a child. You would think that would had me go in just cold as ice chick. Right? Nope; it did the exact opposite; it allowed me to rekindle that romance in me again. I felt like I could give my all next time around. You know that Mariah Carey I give my all. A week after I made the decision to let my “void” go this happens:
My car was my baby. I detailed it myself and when I couldn’t I had a shop do it. One random day I took my car over to the shop I normally went to and it was closed for vacation. I was with a colleague and we stopped at a phone place. Walking back to my car this tall figure was approaching me;and the sun struck his face to where I had to look away. I heard his voice ” do you need a detail? ” I replied still not seeing him ” that’s crazy I was just trying to get mines done” The sun spot disappeared and this tall dark and handsome fella with a smile worth a million bucks was standing there. During this embarrassing dialogue I got tongue twisted and ask could he clean under “my” hood. My friend laughed and I got beet face red. This exchange ended up with two things happening; 1- I made an appointment for my car to be detailed and 2- this guy gave me his phone because in our conversation I mentioned I had left mines at work. Later that day I got my car back spotless. Later that night on the phone he had told me he had already spoken to his sister about me and we had planned our first date.
One date turned into many more. We had everything. Friendship, laughter, debates, adventures, dances in the rain, nicknames, passion, dreams and we talked about the future. This time around my future included him in it. I was for the second time around in love. I was his Dominican he was my Chicken Legs and together we were Nssh. I spoke about him to everyone even my closest friends; without bringing up the “void“. We were teacher and student. We never fought. He told me everything.
We had only been dating for three months before we were on a date; at the first restaurant we had our first date on; when he proposed. I had an upset stomach that night and my love was dragging our evening out when all I wanted to do was go home. I didn’t realize how nervous he was. He proposed and I remember thinking “no not now, jinx ” but I said yes. I felt weird automatically. I don’t know why but I thought there was a curse on me and that I needed time to fully lift it before he propose so we could actually work. Of course I couldn’t say any of this so I said yes. Maybe I jinx myself. My job had me leaving and we ended up in a long distance relationship. A misunderstanding got us to our first real argument and being far away from each other only heightened it. We worked through it; I thought; and continued our engagement with me taking as many trips to visit him when I had the time. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. It does but it also gives the logic and inner realist more time to take over all other sensibilities you have.
My new location had me alone and tons of time to myself to doubt my engagement. The one thing that caused our first fight revisited my mind over and again. Then unfair to my love I started to rehash all the loves I sabotaged. I concluded that if I wanted to free them when I was never in love with them, then how could I not free a person who I truly was in love with. Backwards ? Absolutely! Now what I am about to write next will come with tons of judgments but its my truth. My therapy in these blogs. One night I was walking on the beach, I can remember the breeze, I made a decision that this time I would make my love leave me. Now you might be thinking “whoa how did you get to this conclusion?” In between the long distance and the self sabotaging doubts; temptations started to come around me as I was living a seemingly single life.
We tried to make things work. The love never stopped. We never tried to hurt each other. Then I did the unthinkable. I sent my love a Dear John email breaking our engagement off. Take a moment to take that in. After this whole blog your girl T did that to a man she was in love with. What happen next? You won’t believe it. I sent the email and immediately start to cry. I mean that ugly cry . That turn on Mary J. Blige right the freaking minute now cry. I tried to immediately recall the message but could not. So I drunk. Then Cried. More Mary J. Blige. Another Drink. Switched the playlist to some Lil Jon. The next morning after a beer and some aspirin I went for a run, telling myself “you did the right thing” . A month had went by and I had gotten word from my guy’s family member; he was depress. I felt that maybe I had made a mistake. I contacted him and he wrote me back with so much hurt and still deep love for me. He wanted us to fight for each other. I told him maybe I made a mistake and that if he was willing I was willing to start over. He said without any doubt “yes my angel“.
What happen after what seemed to be a reconciliation was one of my final lessons to be learned. What transpired was a build up of resentment, hurt, broken pride and ego and the result of two people in love reaching their breaking point. Not a lot of positive things going to happen in these next few paragraphs. So if you was rooting for the good to prevail skip to the final blog when it all comes around to the good feeling stuff.
I had another location I was moving to and my love and I was discussing him relocating to where I would be. We had talked everyday. Everyday was I love you and planning for our future.
It was a random day I was just getting off of Facebook, I had just got on it and was checking the scene out leaving things on my page about my love. I logged in to my active “Myspace” account and noticed that I couldn’t write on my love page. Not sure why I went there but nevertheless my eyes ran across some comments from a random female that seemed too friendly. I called and he told me something was wrong with Myspace. I asked about the female and he replied just some “random chick who liked him”. Flag ladies? Of course. I said OK . He said I love you, I said the same. We hung up; I got on Myspace and messaged the random female. Well almost instantly I got a reply from this chick who was telling me off, that she was his girlfriend and I was this and that. I called him back and went off. I mean off isn’t the word. I went boomerang off ; I kept coming back to going off. He explained to me she was just a chick that always liked him, and that he had told me of her once before when we first got together. She was a cousin of one of his friend’s wife and had been in the background as a “supportive friend when I broke off our engagement“. I asked for honesty; something we had always been. This woman the same woman who I dubbed” the cleanup lady” (YouTube it and you will understand) had been telling him she wanted to marry him and that she could take care of him. He said that he didn’t believe me anymore and she was some sort of backup plan. He told me she had wanted him for a long time and she is a nice lady and since she is willing to come to him and marry him he said OK. He didn’t think she would actually come and if I was really serious this time a round I would come claim him. Crazy right? Not as crazy as when my ego kicked in. I had been bamboozled by the love of my life. Sure I did the first immature move with the Dear John but he had stepped his payback game up. He had talked to someone and within a couple of months time difference the cleanup lady was booking a flight to marry him.
Can this get any more jacked up? Yes! So the cleanup lady actually did what I couldn’t actually do. I won’t lie for a millisecond, I thought about proving my love and flying out and getting my man but that’s just not in my DNA. No way was I flying to marry just to stop a backup from marrying my guy. I commend her for knowing what she wanted, waiting patiently for it and taking it. I received an email not to long after from my love family member asking me did I know who the woman who just arrived to marry my love was? I thought “ well played love“. Did they marry? They sure did ! I received an email the same day from my love telling me he married her because of me because I failed us.
For the first time in all my love journey, never did I feel played nor hurt but this time; my ego got bruised. I loved him but I hated him more at this point. He was able to one up me when I wasn’t trying to one up him. The same man who tattooed my name on his chest (he proclaimed) and fallen into depression was the strongest of them all. The boldest. The coldest. Game on. We went back and forth with communicating like mouse and cat. We would spend a couple of years in and out of each other lives , still bruised from what we did to each other.
I moved back to the States and out the blue I get an email from my love. He ask for my number and after all the time I felt like he needed closure. Closure like a previous love needed from me. We exchange numbers and within minutes I was on the phone with the the second person I had ever been in love with. What I thought would be some yelling and anger was the complete opposite. He tells me he still loves me. At that moment I didn’t know if he was still married but I assumed he wasn’t . I mean time had passed, he had gotten even in a big way, so why else would he reach out to me and say he misses me and still was in love with me.
Then one random dang day on Facebook, I spot a post that a mutual friend of ours had commented congratulating my love on the birth .. WAIT FOR IT … of his triplets. I come to find out that the same time he was pouring his love for me and saying how we both made a mistake because his ego and mines; his wife was somewhere giving birth to their kids. You would think anger would had erupted me but it wasn’t. I don’t know what emotion it was. Did I hurt this man so deep that the birth of his children couldn’t overshadow his need to still get revenge on me? Did I jack up his sensibility, his character and every trait of his that I once fell in loved with? What in the world did I do? These were the questions. I didn’t want more open wounds. We did a number on each other and our hurt didn’t have a care for any causalities. From never fighting to being the most eruptive heart wrenching journey ever.
We spoke after this revelation and he told me he didn’t tell me about the birth of his kids because he knew what I would think and that I wouldn’t take to heart his true feelings about me. He told me he loved his kids with all his heart and that will never change and had nothing to do with his love for me. Here’s the WOW statement. I actually thought about being with him. I was willing and ready to be with him once again with just an ex spouse but the game we had been playing through hurt and deceit and bruised pride was over. I had to let that love go . I chose to let my heart take the reign this time around and do what was right for the love we shared in a foreign country with just ourselves and what was in our hearts.
We both turned wrong on many occasions trying to correct the one major wrong we did to each other.
Lesson Learned: Even the purest love can become tainted and love can be hidden by hate and hurt. Through all the great love there can be pain and you have to choose which one you pick up in the aftermath. And finally sometimes even a close to perfect love isn’t the right love for you. Love doesn’t hurt, disrespect, plays games – that’s everything else but love.
Check out the final blog in this topic Love Sweets and Lows: Engaged Five Times and still a Romantic The Outcome