“Something is wrong with me” is what I was telling myself at this stage of my love life. Good relationships with good men just thrown away because of random reasoning. I would sit and hear female friends talk about this guy doing this and that, being disrespectful, cheating, abusive to not putting her first or not being mature you name it I had heard it somewhere or another. Here I am with 3 good men who showed me nothing but love and got dumped because “they weren’t the one“. This had become a reality to me as that I was the problem. I gave up way too fast. I gave up easily. I made up silly notions for no reason. I told myself the next time I will not give up. I will not bow out! I will show myself I can stick with a good man!
I first saw him at the gym and later a class I had to attend. His laugh caught my attention and his slight awkwardness and shyness kept it. He had this hearty laugh reminded me of Eddie Murphy. It was contagious. He had this island accent. The guy always smiled. I flirted first and he followed. I wasn’t looking for a relationship as usual and saw him as a friend potential. We spent a lot of time together and our friendship turned into a relationship quickly. He was a super romantic and lavished me with gifts and roses and chocolate covered strawberries daily. I had this favorite spa spot at a hotel that he faithfully booked for me. We moved in together just as fast as we started to date. He spoiled me. Massages every night to sweet admiration of words. The way he looked at me was so endearing. He would tell me stories of his island upbringing. I was pampered and loved so good I fell drunken with love and locked logic away. One evening at our home; our dog wagging her tail in between us; he dropped to his knee and proposed to me. I was excited and said yes. I didn’t even catch when he pushed our dog out the way when she was “messing up the moment” . I mean I saw it but I was blind to it. He had never raised his voice towards me and although it had only been a few months together I knew him. He was the one that I was going to make it work. He was chosen by me. It is funny now that I look at it; just how clear it always was. After we got engaged his love for me never faltered. He was intense. I felt it and it made me feel like I was being protected by a person who loved me like I was a part of their breathing.
It was a random day and I was cooking dinner for him. He usually did everything from the cleaning to the cooking to anything in between. He always told me my only job was to be happy. That day he was in the back room and I needed to run to the store to get some bread. I was only going to be gone for a few and I didn’t tell him. While I was out I thought it would be nice to pick him up something to eat quick to hold him over until dinner was done. He was a very athletic body builder type man and his appetite was always on 10. When he realized I had left the house without telling him he started to accuse me of cheating and questioning me why I left without telling him unless I was doing something behind his back. Now I am a strong outspoken, will go if you go, bold type woman; it didn’t even jump into my brain what was happening. I snapped back at him and disregarded it all together. I thought nothing more of it. Life continued.
His job had him leaving weeks at a time. When he would come back home he would gift me with tons of things. Every trip. He called me whenever he was available. Normally I would make sure I was available because I missed him and wanted to talk to him. It was the times where I couldn’t because of work or my phone dying ; that he would yell at me and accuse me of cheating. I still didn’t catch what was happening. I rationalize it to ” he hasn’t call me out my name, nor has he placed his hands on me” he is just tripping.
The accusations became regular. Things started to shift. We went to a softball game one time and because he thought a guy was looking at me and I was looking back; we got into a major argument where he jumped out of the car and walked blocks away back to our home. I still didn’t see it. Anytime he would blow up he would come home with roses and foot rubs and trinkets. He would surprise me at work with flowers and females would say ” you are so lucky“, ” I wish my husband would do that” to ” does he have a brother?”. The fights had become just as regular as the I love you.
I would pull up at the house and just stare at the door. Contemplating on should I just ignore it or should I put a stop to it. But I had chosen him. I was not going to have another broken engagement because of me. It was hard and there was times when I caught myself and said ” hold up does he know who he talking to?” which led to me kicking him out of the house multiple times. Each time I would get a call from him in a state of depression which in return made me say time and time again ” OK you can come back home“.
Without realizing it I started to think before I spoke to other males and when ask how we were I would withhold the truth. He was my best friend. My friends adored him. He was a gentleman. He adored me with so much affection and love it was unbearable. I chose to focus on all the right things. We had a dog and a cat and I gifted him with another cat. This cat was feisty and didn’t like me but I knew my love would love it. They bonded quickly. I was right. It was that striking cat with a scar on his face that changed our lives forever.
An ordinary night, I decided to give the cat a bath. I knew he wouldn’t like it but he needed one badly. I remember leaning over the tub and the cat freaking out when it got close to the water. Now our other cat always calm down after a minute but this cat was not having it. I went to rub some water on its head when I felt a hard jerking movement to my arm. Before I knew it my head was slammed up against the wall. I looked in my love eyes and saw nothing. That sparkle he looked at me everyday wasn’t there. His fingers were pressing deep into my skin. I couldn’t make out what he was screaming into my face; not sure if it was due to my head hitting the wall or just shock. The shock didn’t come from him doing that it came from me not responding. He was three times my size, full of extra testosterone from all the muscle drinks and powders and he was vacant that moment; just a shell of a very strong man.
I thought about going in to the kitchen and getting a knife; to making it to the living room and using the lamp if need be. I wasn’t afraid of fights; I had my share, and defending myself is something I will always do. That exact moment; I was shock that I was standing there thinking of an exit plan and still choosing to figure it out. I wasn’t leaving. All the heartache I had cause men before me made me feel in a sick sense I was owed some craziness. It was overdue for me to get a sample of all the wrong. It wasn’t even the I love him so much that had me staying. It was far more of my own self proclamation. That night; til this day is disputed between the two of us. He simply don’t recall but as I told him I simply can not forget. I started to swing on him, the old me would had done it without thinking of any consequences. I stood there. He stopped. After a while he came back to me and I could see his eyes. He had came back. I cursed him out because then I felt like I could get crazy with crazy with an actually person. Afterwards I stopped. I was confused.
We went to sleep in the same bed the next morning we got dressed and went to work. That evening when I got home he was cooking dinner and had placed some dozens of roses and chocolate strawberries out for me. He started to apologize like many times before explaining why he reacted the way he did; the parts he could actually recall. I sat there silently till he was finished then I calmly walked in our room, grabbed his things and kicked him out.
At some point he must had felt the finalization in my voice because he became irate when I didn’t respond to his apology. His eyes went back to that shell again as he went through our home and broke ever gift he could get his hands on; that he gave me. He broke a lot of things and ended outside yelling at me. He yelled a lot of things, disrespectful for the first time with the words whores and bitches, neighbors began to come out their homes. I walked to the front and side doors and dead bolted the door. He couldn’t get back in. This enraged him and for the first time in our relationship he said the one thing that broke me out of my delusion ” I will kill you” . Those four words woke me up out of my self-induced trance. He sped off and I immediately had a locksmith at my home and changed the locks. A friend of mines came over that night and was shocked. She could not believe this man that she knew of had this side to him. I told her ” you didn’t know because I chose to keep that side of him hidden for him“.
A few days later like clockwork I received a call and he was in a state of depression like many times before and told me he would end his life. I told him go ahead I am done and hung up. That folks was my lowest point. I called back because my conscience wouldn’t allow that person to turn me into something I wasn’t. He wanted to see me and then he would be OK he said. I agreed to a public place. We sat and ate a Jamaican dinner outdoors. People were chattering all around us laughing and enjoying life as we sat in the middle of the restaurant, in the eye of a storm. He tried to get us back, told me he would do counseling. He denied and said he didn’t recall the ” I will kill you” rant. I said “ I can’t forget it“. As others were enjoying family night and dates night I was ending my fourth engagement.
Lesson Learned: Confidence. Bravery. Resilience. Fighter. Forgiveness.
I learned when to give up and that given up does not make me weak. I learned that you simply can not fix something you broke or did wrong by trying to force something else. I learned that not all love is the right love. I learned that even through the storm forgiveness can be an option.
A little bit more :
My fourth love and I is the most bumpy toxic relationship I have ever allowed myself to be apart of. I held on to a situation that my intelligence and sanity knew better because I was full of pride and ego. I wanted to prove something so bad to myself I placed myself in harm way. But things changes and people changes. My fourth love and I got through a lot of hurt and pain. When he truly was ready for a change in his life he sought help. It took us many years before we could heal from each other but we did. The one thing that was always pure with us was that foundation of friendship. I forgave him and myself. That growth and release allowed us ; after needed time ; to reconnect as friends. As of date we are friends, not close friends but we speak from time to time and we are able to talk about the good memories and our friendship. I am proud of the man he has fought hard to become today.
Continue to the final Love Sweets and Lows: Engaged Five Times and still a Romantic Part 4