Chaotic! That is how the day went when we first met. It would take a whole separate blog just to recount that crazy day but in the middle of it all I was tapped on the shoulders in a crowded place by a stranger. I was full of energy and in my head I had already had my “who are you tapping ” mouth ready to go; but I turned around and all I saw was this attractive man with this incredible smile. I was speechless and if you knew me you know that itself is hard to envision. This stranger lips were moving but my eyes was stuck on everything; it was my ears that had checked out. He tells me he didn’t know the time I said ” oh I don’t have it either” he replied ” time isn’t important to you” and I replied with my best sexy tone ” no not when I am trying to enjoy myself”. He laughed and said he had a confession ” I don’t need the time I wasn’t even thinking, I saw you and couldn’t stop looking at you so I came up to you and when you turned around the only thing that I could think of was the time”. Moments later we both ask did the other want to have coffee.
We were going a thousand miles and hour it seem with just random thoughts and suggestions. He ask did I want to go on a date I replied ” ummm yeah ” and he said ” let’s go”. We went to a museum, which from entering, we definitely were the odd balls from the other group of people who clearly had planned to attend such a swanky place. We exchanged numbers and the next morning he texted ” want to go get breakfast” I said ” duh”. That’s how we started; tag teaming; always excited to see who could come up with the most random idea to d; maybe secretly waiting for one or the other to chicken out- but we never did. Our relationship was fast and fun and was like a fresh breath of air every time we hung out. Nothing was crazy to bring up. There was times when we would be at a restaurant and think about one dessert or drink from somewhere miles away sometimes even further and we would get the check and go to it. We were in the moment so much I never had time to get tired. Our friendship was amazing. We were hiking when he dared me to a race; he won and when I got to the finish line out of breath he was on his knee. Complete nature and birds chirping away. My heart was still racing and I was still catching my breath when I said yes. How could I say no right? This was the biggest dare of all! That flag was so big and in my face I missed it clearly. We were nonstop. No rest no chill. We were adventurous until he became my adventure. I love the thrill he energized in me. He was fine and full of life. He was mines. I could live this high forever. I felt like this void in my heart I had been carrying could be filled with him in due time. Maybe. I didn’t know. That was my flag.
We were joking around one day and he said “close your eyes” I was like ” done” he said “turn around” I said ” ok” he said ” now fall back”. I laughed and said ” oh I know this little thing- ok” and I spread my arms wide open and flew back without any hesitation. At least I thought I did but in reality I couldn’t move. He said let me show you scaredy cat, He jumped in front and leaned back, we almost tumbled but he just leaned back without any thinking. He said ok your turn. I said “sure” and couldn’t do it. There was a few attempts but I turned my head and opened my eyes. I couldn’t do it. He played it off but good old realist in me arrived. I let that drive me to a place of uncertainty with us. I started to ask what happens when we come down from our high? I started to slow down and realize I only knew him in this mode. I knew all the crazy adventures he was willing to go on with me but I didn’t know if I was willing to be with him after the adventures ended or changed. I realized I was on a one way train with a ticket only for me. He was my adventure I never really shared myself with him not in a vulnerable way. A protein shake; vanilla for me and chocolate for him; that was what we was having when I blurted out ” I can’t marry you”. Yes folks. That was all the poise and well thought of planning came to. I freaked out. I was on so much adrenaline of one side of my brain saying ” whoa whoa hold on what are you doing” to another side saying ” the band-aid is off keep pulling it quickly “. I stood there with my vanilla protein shake and running shoes talking so fast that my words slurred together. It was like this huge release of everything. He was confused. He thought at first it was a bad taste joke but when it hit him that it wasn’t; well things finally slowed down for us. We both stared at each other he said “wow” I said ” i know”. We stood there after my diarrhea of emotions still flooded the room; and we finished our protein drinks. He asked ” ready to go running? ” I was so confused I said ” unhuh”.
Two miles into our three miles run he stops. He walks ahead with his hands in the air. I jog up to him and said ” what did I just do? ” He said ” wow!” We stood there on the side of the road. We just stood there seemed like forever. We walked back to the house. We sat in the front on some steps. Not speaking. Just staring in the sky. I remember about ten more “wow”. The sun was setting and we kissed. One kiss. One kiss as the sunset with the smell of sweat that had set in on both of us. That night I took a much needed shower and I remember my heart began to race so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I let the water pour over my hair. My flat ironed hair reverted to its curls as the water continue to run on it. I didn’t cry though. I slowed by breathing down and realized my sorrow still wasn’t for him. I was sad cause I lost my adventure. I was sure he wasn’t the one when i realized it wasn’t about being “our” adventure but rather just “an” adventure.
Lesson Learned: Love. Truth. Deciding.
Loving what someone do for you is not the same as loving someone when all they have is themselves to give. Loving the who and not the what and being strong enough to let them go if you can not love them for who they are.
To Be Continued in Love Sweets and Lows: Engaged Five Times and still a Romantic Part 3