Yes you read it right ! This gal right here as been somebody’s somebody five times officially. You caught that didn’t you. Nice. How and why and what happened has always been the conversation around that little tidbit of my life journey. When disclosed to guys the first response was always ” who broke up with who? ” I guess that was a way for them to see if something was wrong with me; you know if there was a lot of crazy or something worst. I mean afterwards when I would say ” I broke off all engagements” I suddenly became to be something like a golden prize. That whole ego of ” I can get her”. Not all but I definitely had my share of the ” I can love you better just let me show you” guys. So where does a person get engaged so many times come from? Well for me it was my travelling around the world. I often think had I stayed in just one country the likelihood of so many engagements would be doubtful; but the fact is so many places led to meeting so many incredible people and mixed that with a romantic such as myself; well it was just waiting to happen. When I say romantic I mean it to the core; I am the one that thinks you can lock eyes with someone in a crowded train station and burst into full level of emotions which of course was fated to be. Why didn’t the engagements last? Well here’s the irony as romantic as I am this gal right here is also a realist and logic thinker. How does that work ? Aha now you get the answer. It absolutely doesn’t. It was always a back and forth. One thing about falling for a romantic we love on a high but mix that with a self proclaim logical person and that said high; if lowered will result in a ton of overthinking and analyzing everything.
Who were those men? This typically get me in a stare down and rolled eyes with some of my female friends; they were great men who treated me great and everything was perfect. Ok a little sarcasm here but truly they were great men and I learned something from each engagement and since this blog is about them it would only be fair to remember them in a way of thankfulness of what my journey with them led me to be today. So shall we? Let’s go on the memory lane of the gal who said I will a lot.
We met when I was young and living it up with partying and celebrating life. Emotionally I was just recovering from a lost love. Not through death but through my own actions and anxiety. He made me laugh. We made each other laugh. He had this thing that he did when he wanted me to not be mad at him that involved shaving cream and black ink pen. We danced in the pouring rain one time after watching some old black and white film. We realized that the actors were evil liars and didn’t convey the true reaction to dancing fully clothed in heavy rain. His nickname for me cheekT. Not for those cheeks but the ones on my face. Deep conversations of life moving declarations of what we would be in this world. I had no clue he loved me to the depth of marriage. I was shocked when he dropped to one knee and proposed. I was lost for words and in my head I was saying ” no ” but my heart listened as he was telling me all the things any sane woman would want to hear. My heart told my brain to shut it up and say yes silly. I nodded. The next day I was in disbelief. I thought it was a dream but the ring on my hand told me reality it was. I loved our friendship and he was a great guy. I wasn’t ready. I knew it but I wanted to keep him. Selfish much? Yes very! I didn’t tell anyone. Flag number one right? I didn’t wear jewelry that much at that stage of my life and still don’t now; so I just didn’t wear the ring a lot. His friends knew and his mom was the second person he told. After months of loving how he loved me and hearing all the ways his declarations of life now involved me I stopped being selfish. Candlelight dinner and one last dance in the pouring rain reality set in that I needed to move on. I wasn’t his favorite person afterwards (this will be a trend somewhat) but after a couple of years we reconnected. First lesson: Maturity and learning sometimes it is important to put others people feelings in consideration and above my selfishness.
I had a whiskey on the rocks at this hole in the wall bar. I was on my Sade kick and was into the slick ponytail and red lips; I called it vibe. He was a new face and strikingly handsome. He offered me a drink and I replied after you accept mines to you first. He was very strong, I mean his presence,his tone; just was demanding. We struck up a debate within an hour of meeting. Through the night we wage intellectual wars between each other on race, politics, spirituality to sports and the future. That’s how we started. We would run into each other randomly at three different places after that first meeting and spend hours debating. The fifth time was arranged and our first official date. We challenged each other mentality. He would leave me notes around the house as would I . We would try to outdo each other in finding places to hide the notes for the other to find. When we were apart we still spoke on the phone for hours. It never got old. If I learned something new I couldn’t wait to get back to him to tell him to teach him. He would do the same. We were teacher and student to each other. We had this thing were we would sit in the living room and pour a nice whiskey on the rocks and listen to classical music and just let the moment and room fill us. We would look at each other and take it all in. At night we would discuss how we saw the world. I felt so protected with his strength and his focus. I had not a single clue he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me debating and sipping a good old whiskey listening to classical music. I loved him for sure, his mind, his strength and his ability to keep me on my toes. I felt I could do that everyday for the rest of my life. So when he extended his hand to mines and looked me deep into my eyes and said ” my life is no longer complete without you by my side” I said “yes”. He of course had to actually propose but the answer was again “yes” In my head he was the perfect checklist husband for me if I was to be married. You see I didn’t know even that frame of thought was a flag. What I did notice instantly is when he placed the solitaire diamond on my finger my heart didn’t respond. It was obviously but I smiled. I smiled for days in and out and we debated every night, we drank whiskey on the rocks and listened to classical music in the living room. I felt protected and loved. He was a perfect partner. He just wasn’t my perfect partner. It was one evening several months after as we listened to Bach with a glass of whiskey in our hands; when I told him my heart was an idiot and I am definitely a fool but he deserves a woman who can feel everything I could only think about for him. He was silent. I never felt that strong of a silence in my life. He stared through me in a way I can’t til this day quite explained. He didn’t speak to me; he just placed his glass on the table and left our bubble. It would be years before he needed to get closure from me; he said he needed to close his heart from me before he can truly give it to someone else he had met. We met up and he talked. He was angry and hurt and confused. He said he never hated anyone more than he had hated me and he hated me more than anyone he ever knew because he had loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. He told me he understand after we talked about that night when I told him about someone loving him with their heart. Lesson learned: Clarity. Empathy. Love someone how you would want them to love you and love deserves all of you not parts of you.
To be continued ….
(See Love Sweets and Lows: Engaged Five Times and still a Romantic Part 2 )