Trying Love a Second Time around. Can it work out?

There’s a reason it didn’t work out the first time” is something that I have heard in the past when the question of ” should I get back with my ex” comes up. Countless times I have found myself in social media groups where there is a meme or a random post of getting back with an ex. Almost always the majority of the responses are filled with negative things about the person’s ex and why they dodged a bullet so to speak. I found it interesting that through many talks with many different people there seem to be a similar thread of being hurt, lied to, taken advantage of and cheated on that creates a strong reaction to the mere thought of getting back with an ex.  So is there ever a good sane reason to revisit the past with a person you already tried to make a life with once before? Is there a such thing of learning from your mistakes and getting something right?  There’s a saying that goes a person comes into your life for different reasons and different seasons. Some people are meant to be temporary while others more permanent.  Does it matter how the relationship started? Does it matter how the relationship ended? Will history repeat itself?  I am a strong believer that each person journey is unique and personalized specifically for them; which makes each situation uniquely different and each outcome just as unique. I don’t think we can bottle it up in one general “WRONG” or “TURN BACK DON”T DO IT” response when the question comes up. I can speak from personal experience when I say ” sometimes it works out “.

Back when I was a teenager, on one uneventful random night; I accompanied my mom to the mall. She went shopping for work clothes and I went walking around the mall and I saw this guy out the corner of my eyes; I thought he was cute instantly. I put my best smile on and he walked right on by without any return smile. I remember thinking ” oh something is totally wrong with cutie” . I visually stalked him walking down the mall until he disappeared from my line of sight.  That lack of attention actually stuck with me.  Now how this next part come together is another blog all together but fate placed me and that same guy together again; at another place and another time.  Our second time around each other was completely different. We laughed and talked for hours about everything and anything. That boy at the time lived in New York and I lived in Virginia; he would come down almost every weekend to visit me and in between those times we would talk for hours on out. At this age I have already been in “puppy love” at 15 and even 16 years of age so I knew it felt differently. I saw him differently. Now this was scary for a girl like myself. I had cared for guys before even had love for them but this time around I felt something significantly deeper. This guy became my boyfriend.  We dated close to two years. I wasn’t ready to tell him I was in love with him. I felt that telling him I was in love with him would mean I had to forfeit my dreams of travelling the world. I know now that isn’t how it works but for a teenager who was about to embark on her journey as a young adult; I didn’t think I could do both.  So I did the most logical thing. I panicked! In my immature mindset I thought if I “acted out” or made him not want to be with me then he could help me make the decision to choosing to seeing the world.

What I didn’t take into consideration was his dedication to our relationship. I joined the military and I had gotten to the moment where I had to make a decision on where I wanted to be stationed. Do I stay with him in the States or do I do want I had wanted to and go abroad to see the world with a wider view? I simply didn’t think the two could go hand in hand. I couldn’t ask him to just follow me as my boyfriend and I was way too young for marriage. It really appeared to me as an either or type situation. He came to Arkansas to visit more of my family. Til this date he has been the only man I have taken home to meet the rest of the family. It was a bittersweet moment in our relationship because it was that trip that I came to a realization that I truly was in the deepest depth of in love a person could be with another person. I knew since day one but something just resonated with me on that trip.  Ready for me to blow your mind? After realizing how much in love with him I was on this same trip I decided the best thing to do was break up with him. It would take years for me to realize why I did that and even more years of me trying to take back that mistake.

After we broke up I instantly regretted it but felt I had to stand by it. A year in the military I tried to put him out of my mind but I couldn’t. We reconnected and I visited him when I was stationed in Korea. Our visit was good but I couldn’t communicate to him my true feelings; my intent was to get him back; but when I made the trip all I could think of is how unfeasible it would be for a long distance relationship. I just felt like timing wasn’t our friend.  Throughout the years we kept sporadic contact with each other. I went on to find love again and again and again to a tune of numerous engagements and he went on to find love that ended up a marriage and a beautiful daughter. Throughout the years we both agreed time wasn’t right for us and we even summed it up to our love helped us be a better person for our significant others. We concluded that we were meant to be only for a moment and not forever. I walked away thinking my heart was wrong clearly all those years and that he wasn’t truly my soul mate he couldn’t be my soul mate and someone else at the same time.  It was around this time that letting him go allowed me to fall in love with someone else. I mean truly fall in love because without knowing it I had always held a space in my heart for him.

terraandbiggie
Biggie and I , Connecticut ’01

Life went on and love went on with tons of happiness and some sour notes. I traveled around the world and grew such much into a person I was proud to see in the mirror. I got out of the military and moved back to Virginia and went to college. One random uneventful night I ran across an old photo of me and a black cat. Years had suddenly came back to me and I remembered the picture, the place I had taken it and the guy. Like throwing a dart in the dart I looked him up on Linkedin. Within three minutes I got a reply back. Within an hour we had both learned we were both single and still thought of each other a lot even when we shouldn’t have. Each day we talked for hours and within three days we were on our first second first date.  That was almost five years ago and that guy is now my Husband.  You see in my situation there was never deceit or hurt thrown at me. It was love that I couldn’t respect nor handle or return at that time of my life. I simply wasn’t ready to be the person I knew he deserved. We needed time. I needed to grow and develop myself and my mind. I realized that my heart wasn’t wrong about him being my soul mate it was just patient.  Because it was all love between him and I we didn’t have issues to hash out or trust to regain; it was like we never skipped a beat when we got back together again. It felt right and purposefully. Our time to become the best partner for each other allowed a beautiful daughter; who I now get to call daughter right beside him and her mom; to be born and loved.  So for me when ask ” should you get back with an ex? ” I say ” what does your heart say?” and ” how does your story read?” Just know that contrary to popular consensus of “heck no don’t repeat” there are times where going back around a second time just makes you more refine and ready to get it right.

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